The Gravitational Pull of Your Significant Other

Just before you start seeing a woman, you are probably a pretty independent person. What I mean by this is not that you do things in the world independently of her–this much is obvious–what I mean by this is that you’re emotionally and mentally independent. When she’s in a bad mood, or she judges you, you aren’t likely to care very much. After all, you hardly know her, or don’t know she exists at all. If she makes comments about how messy you are, you might respond, in a flirtatious mood: “well, if I were clean, my devoted followers would have nothing to do all day.”

If you start a committed relationship, and especially if you decide to live together, then over some period of time this gradually changes, and you’re not likely to be fully aware of it. Your mood can often be her mood, and her opinions of you can sway and influence you to a surprising degree. Suddenly, when she starts criticizing your cleanliness, you begin to take it as an affront to you as a person–your identity is now wrapped up in being “a significant other” and being “in a relationship.” A threat to either of those things, the reptilian part of your brain asserts, is a threat to your very existence.

When we aren’t conscious of it, the knots that continue to form from tiny observations, criticisms, and just being in a bad mood, begin to poison that relationship. We walk around with gaining ideas about how we can change her opinion of us, or how we can change her mood to be happier. We take our cues from her, and a game of weighing and measuring starts to take place. “She didn’t vacuum, so I’m not taking the trash out–that will show her.”

Probably from a result of evolution, human beings are naturally inclined to care about status (what other people think of us) and are naturally inclined to reflect or mirror the emotions of others. When you’re spending several hours a day around one single person, you both get wrapped up in that and forget that you have the power to resist caring about opinions, and resist falling into turbulent emotions.

This is the trap. These are very real chains. They prevent us from taking control over our own well being, because you’re now being thrown about depending on whatever wave is rolling through. You are ignorant of the wave, and therefore the wave owns you and takes you where it wants to go. If the wave is in a good mood, or is being approved of, then you’re in a good mood. If the wave is irritated, you’re irritated. If the wave wants to make a power trip out of taking out the trash, that’s what you’re doing too.

We can break free of this by practicing. Before heading into a conversation with your significant other, focus on yourself and your reactions as you talk. Are you getting irritable when she is? Do you feel like weighing and measuring what you’ve done against what she’s done? Are you concerned about her opinion of you? Are you worried your next step might get her to leave you?

As you notice these things come up, breath in for a count of three, and consistently breathe out for a count of 6. Don’t try to fight them or get them to go away, just focus on where the sensation is in your body, breathe, and watch them. Your main goal is to understand yourself, and the chains that bind you.

This requires constant, diligent effort. Setup routines that allow you to connect with this goal on a regular basis.