The Edge

When we say, “I want to change,” we don’t fully explain what we mean. The word “change” can describe anything that isn’t static or still–namely, everything. Whether we like it or not, whether we intend to or not, what we call “me” or “I” inevitably changes from moment to moment. “We”/“Me”/“I” are simply well organized fundamental building blocks, swapping ourselves out with our environment in a cycle that just perpetuates, whether described in terms of matter or energy.

So “I want to change,” in the meaning we intend, has purpose to it. We aren’t simply content with the mere fact that we’re constantly changing, what we seem to be saying instead is that we want to change in a purposeful direction. We want some habitual tendency that we are caught in a loop on to end, and to be replaced with something more advantageous to ourselves long term. In the context of the midnight snack, “I want to change” becomes “I want to make healthier choices that are in my long term best interest.” In the context of an athlete, “I want to change” becomes “I want the amount of time it takes for me to run three miles to be lower in the future than it is today.” In the context of fatherhood, “I want to change” may mean “I want to have more natural compassion and openness towards my family members.”

Once we have a desire, in a moment, to do so, the goal of change depends on what we may call The Edge.

All directed, conscious change, in one form or another, comes first from time spent near or at The Edge.

Finding more in the gas tank

What is The Edge? It exists in your experience–all of these words are merely trying to point at this experience of Edge in your life.

It’s the point at which you think you can go no further. It’s the moment when you can put on a scale all the uncomfortable memories from your life, and feel the current one heavier. When you try and push a weight off your chest, you call forth all your strength to do so, and the bar simply won’t go higher–then, you find a way.

When you see the fear of your partner calling you every name in the book, from “selfish” to “impossible to live with” to “a jackass”, capping it off with “I really have made some bad decisions in my life” and you sit there, not trying to change her or the situation at all, but simply relax into the present moment. You feel the strong tendency to allow the voice in your head, calling her every name in the book back, run the moment, and you find the inner strength to let the storyline go, and allow the emotion to exist in spaciousness, undisturbed.

When you’re standing in front of the fridge, alone and afraid, and you feel the urge and tendency to grab a slice of that chocolate cake. It pulls you in like a rope, where the other side of the rope is the starting offensive line for the New England Patriots. You remain standing and call forth an image of you eating the cake, then your body starting to accumulate fat, become sluggish and weary, full of warts, with stomach issues and a weakening heart. You focus so strongly on the image that the desire to eat the cake somehow passes, you relax into the present moment and smile. You visualize your body becoming stronger by eating vegetables and otherwise fasting, and a sense of calm comes forth.

Unceasing Dedication

It’s not enough to do it once. You can’t simply drop the habit of letting anger run your life in a day, and you won’t run a five-minute mile after training for a week. You will meet your Edge over and over again, sometimes even a few seconds after you were just there, and just found more within you. It’s your purpose to be vigilant about its nature. To change, to really improve something about your life in a sustainable way, you must become comfortable at The Edge. Be devotional to it, and convince yourself as many times as is necessary that you have The Edge to thank for everything you think wonderful and good in your life. Do you like the relationships you have? They exist because you had the courage to start and maintain them, and at some point you met your Edge to find that courage. Do you like the physical fitness you have gained? Whatever fitness you have, it arose because of moments at your Edge. Are you happy with your ability to stay cool in trying circumstances? You and The Edge are the reason why.

If there’s anything to really learn, it’s this. The rest of the learnings and growth come from this simple, challenging understanding and practice.